i wake up at 430am to catch my flight out of Baltimore. The clouds are still shadows in the sky. I hug mommy goodbye at the terminal and watch her drive away through the sliding glass doors. 

All the delta counters were down when i got there. i figured they would open around 530, so I found the end of the snaking checked bag line  and settled down behind a neurotic corporate baddie already whisper-cursing ‘i’m a platinum member’ to the delta helpline hold music. The girl behind me stepped out of line with her an hour later after she hung up on the automated voice ‘i’m sorry we cannot take your call due to overwh-‘ I smile at the aunties scooching a body closer behind me and they give me a cookie for breakfast. 

did you when hear what they said through the backdoor? whole systems out-  we should’ve stayed at the hotel maybe had some more breakfast and rest before coming here. they continue to wonder as we inch up body by body for each person dropping out. i consider going too, but where would i go? i’ve got nothing better to do than sit and wait and see what happens.

when the news crew shoes up with their 3 big cameras and a smiley reporter white-knuckle gripping her mic, i switch from spotify to a google search: CROWDSTRIKE FAILURE AFFECTING GLOBAL HOSPITALS, BANKING, AND AIRLINE OPERATIONS. the aunties are more worried about ducking the camera since they’re in their busted traveling getup.

I tell the aunties my own interpretations of what happened: Some intern uploaded a faulty piece of code that crashed the whole system, but what do I know? it feels possible: small mistakes catalyze and coalesce and centralized systems, like ego-based individuals, are inherently fragile. it only takes a small blow to throw a king to shambles. and if the kings people are not devoted to each other as well as their king, they do not survive the conquerors embolden by his fall. 

there’s a critical point of all random graphs. when i say graph, think of a network with nodes and lines connecting them, not that cartesian bullshit. (i’m not a fan of descartes, and i face the repercussions of his insistence of separating mind and body daily.) this critical point ocurrs when a graph has a giant component from those with many small components. essentially, at this critical point, a graph is almost entirely connected to itself. i think brains operate around a critical point where a little stimulus causes parts of the brain to go from mostly unconnected to super connected. operating around a critical point makes a network sensitive. 

the network that supports hospitals and airplanes and banks around the world is fragile because it’s centered around microsoft and crowd strike. centralized operations are inherently fragile because they look more like a hierarchy than a network. if you take away the center, the top, the kingpin, the network falls from mostly connected to entirely disconnected. 

our jobs are so stratified in the globalized world, that this is not something we have time to care about, as long as it works. we give computers so much agency in our daily lives, yet we don’t know how they work or what they rely on. have you heard of crowdstrike before? and when they inevitably fail, like the people who create them, the scale and fall out is massive. is it possible to consent to this system when we are too busy to understand how it works? is it possible to consent to a system when there is no alternative? if complicity is rewarded by the system, can we even consent in the face of coercion?

More people speculate, each with our own theories carving edges into smoky uncertainty. i like getting stuck places. the summer i turned 18, i got stuck on a broken train for 12 hours and watched the birth of religion emerge from the womb of not knowing. when i’m stuck i have to sit in my boredom and the world loosens from my eyes. i start to notice the gods hiding in the corners and the tender delicacy of every moment…

but i feel unstuck when the belt starts turning and the line starts moving and and no one cares anymore because we think it’s fixed. my flight is still on time and there are only a few delays populating the screen. i drop by bag, wish those aunties safe travels and keep it moving through tsa. they take my tub of cocoa butter vasaline and i slather as much as i can on before he tosses it out. they think it hilarious how sad i was leaving it behind.

When i get to my gate, My flight to detroit is only delayed 3 hours so I get sat, lock my bag, loop my arm through its strap, and knock out under my friend’s flannel. when i woke up every flight in my terminal was cancelled except for 2 atlanta flights that were delaying and delaying and delaying. delta’s app and system are down and chatter swells around me. a few people are scream crying to staff (they must be taking it personally) but most trust we’re all in this together and that’s not nothing

I’m second in the delta help desk line, and i still wait 20 minutes. He pulls out a chair and says talk to me princess. His doubled white bracelets churn as he types. I watch his system crash 3 times as he tries to rebook me. He takes everything in stride, refuses to rush, and his unwavering confidence in doing one step at a time permeated even the red faced dad repeating ‘we can’t control this’ to himself while staring at his daughter. his wife was head down in the corner.

Raymond’s an angel typing away at his broken system. I’m trying to find you a flight to korea but they’re all getting cancelled. mhm… you said mhm? mhm. he smiles, that’s right baby we’ll figure it out. He knows he can only do what he can and it gives him a contagious peace. its a shame so many people are immune to it. I board my new flight to atlanta with a hand written boarding pass, since the system can’t print tickets. All airport staff are in high spirits. And so is everyone in line, since we are all happy to fly at this point. 

Except for this old lady with pale wrinkled skin and dark square frames and a pony tail pulling her front hairs out at the seams. when we finally land she yells at the two asian kids perched next to her to let her out first since she has a connecting flight. everyone’s in the same boat, but she feels special. if anyone matched her energy it would’ve gone ugly. she wouldn’t get along with herself, and no one likes her right now. i don’t think she even likes herself right now. 

20 minutes until my connection closes boarding. I run through the terminal to the tram and back through my new terminal with 10 minutes to spare. I cry when I see popeyes next to my gate. i can already tell i like atlanta even though they ran out of chicken sandwhiches and gave me so much lip at the register. i call taylor and eat and we yap. A gaggle of twinks strut by and we blow each other kisses. i ki with some girls watching love island season 8. but my flight keeps getting delayed and its 11pm and when i talk to the travel agent sitting at the only desk without a ridiculous line all he does is say babygirl i’m sorry.

I’m surprised I let myself forget how fragile it all is. It’s like catching myself in a lie. Maybe it’s crazy that I laughed and found it all a little romantic. but honestly i’m tired and hungry, and i forgot how to fast in boredom and stay alert without sleep. i’ve gotten so comfortable at home, i never needed to worry about this. the only food for delivery was mcdonalds and dominos and its important i fast instead of breaking the boycott. the best thing to do when you are hungry and without food is to fast, not hustle. that’s what hesse wrote in siddartha, at least. he also said that comfort is samsara (albeit with a lot more poetic sounding words). i repeated that one to myself a lot today.

I’m grateful our lives were disrupted. At least, that’s what the auntie at the only delta help desk open at this hour convinced me of instead of trying to rebook my flight. It is an inconvenience to many and a tragedy to that one guy who can’t see his dying sister, but it is also a reminder of how fucking dependent we are on a single company i never heard of. globally. 

i think people have always operated in blind faith, whether realizing it or not. few people are not blind to cause and effect. but now instead of god(s) or kings or science, its corporations steering the wheel of fortune. it’s easy to forget the invisible hand of technology fanning air through our society.